I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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