I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
