pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
