You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
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