My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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