The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
