My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
