This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
