do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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