Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
