Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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