We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
