You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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