its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
