he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
