i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
