Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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