I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
