her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
