he puts the penis in happiness.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
