i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
