I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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