i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
