I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
