I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
false alarm. still invincible.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
