I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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