The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
