I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
