you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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