I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
