The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
