my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
