this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
