I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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