the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My Sexting was not on an AP level
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
