Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
