Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
