I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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