I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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