he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
