Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
