Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This is the high leading the old right now
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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