When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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