Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
