the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
