R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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