walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
