Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
