I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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