Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
