Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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